i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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