i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
