My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
