and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize