I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
