she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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