My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I have feelings that need drinking.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm always down for nudity.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
