I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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