I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I stole a fireplace last night.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
