I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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