just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
