I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
