I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
