He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
