If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
