If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize