What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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