Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
