i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
