My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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