so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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