if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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