Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
