She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
