my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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