Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
