after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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