if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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