dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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