It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
