I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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