I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize