This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
