I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
