I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
