so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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