I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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