I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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