Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
