yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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