My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
