Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
