Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
