I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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