Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
