Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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