I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
