At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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