You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize