Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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