T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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