Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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