dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
