The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's official drugs can't kill me
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
