Little spoons don't ask big questions
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
