Kiss
Puke
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
