If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
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