Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
