The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
