what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize