I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I puked a lego.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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